Disappointed? Deal with it

Blog 8-Dissappointed? Deal with it.

As runners, we all have goals and dreams. The mentality I take with goal setting is to continue to push myself and set high goals, even if I am unable to reach them one day. I do this so I can see how much further I can push myself. I also tell myself that if I don't reach the goal, I won't beat myself up too much, as it's all part of the process.

This week my volume was less and I had my first of two-time trials which was a really fun change of pace.

Before each run I perform a glute and hip activation routine to help avoid injury. I also always encourage myself to stretch after, and some days I'm better at this than others. Still working on it though.

Monday: 12 miles

AM-8 miles

Post run: Core

PM-4 miles

Post run: Strides, in-home gym routine, and stretching

Tuesday: 8-9 miles

Warm up: 3 miles

10 x 300m @ race-pace with 70 sec recovery

Cool down: 3 miles

Post run: Stretching, lower lumbar stabilization drills

Wednesday: 10 miles

MW long run

Post run: 10 min. core, stretching

Thursday: 6 miles

Easy pre-race run

Post run: Strides, core

Friday: 8-9 miles

Warm up: 3 miles

2-mile time trial

Cool down: 3 miles

Post run: stretching, lower lumbar stabilization drills

Saturday: 11

Long run

Post run: stretching, core

Sunday: Optional Day Off

Easy 4-mile run, stretching, lower lumbar drills

Accepting my failures without the emotional attachment to the outcome of my high goals was a concept that I could give lip service to but found to be more difficult to carry out.

Making a high goal and being perfectly content when it didn't become reality proved to be difficult. After falling short of a goal, I'm usually left feeling deeply disappointed, and handling disappointment has proven to be so much easier said than done for me.

Like all runners, I have experienced disappointment since the very start of my running career. My eighth-grade year of track and field, I did not run a single PR. At times, early in my high school career, I couldn't run an 800m race worth a darn, and it frustrated me to no end. My senior year of high school as the highest placing returner, I collapsed, and didn't qualify to Nike nationals (I later learned I had mycoplasma pneumonia. See Blog 2: on time management). My sophomore year of college at NCAA Cross Country nationals, I collapsed again almost 50 meters before the finish line. I had run an inspired race while trying to help my team crack into the Top 15. I felt I really let them down. As I sat within visual distance of the finish line trying to get back up to finish, I lost 30 places.

This was a picture taken within the finish shoot during cross country NCAA's my sophomore year. I was in around 20^th place before falling for a period of time and getting back up to finish 53rd. This was a race I was very disappointed in initially, but overtime learned to be proud.

During my sophomore year, despite a strong start to the season and winning the Big 12 in the 5K and 10K, I had another disappointing season-ending race. Since my freshman year of college, I had a goal to qualify to the NCAA championships in track & field. By my sophomore year, that goal seemed in reach.

To qualify to the NCAA outdoor championships the previous two years, the last automatic qualifier had run sub 15:41 to qualify to nationals in the 5K. Having a PR in the 5k of 15:56 from the previous summer, I hoped to at least progress into 15:40's.

After indoor, I wrote on a note card one of my favorite Bible verses and my goals. I wrote in bold, "Sub 15:41." This was a goal that could help me to reach the national championships.

Our first meet of the outdoor season was at Stanford. I ran the 5K, with the goal to get a Regional qualifier, which is usually around sub 16:20, as this would be the first step to making the NCAA's. I ran 15:40, achieving my season's goal time. I became very confident, that I could make nationals.

Our team doing a pre-race at the track before all of our races at Stanford that weekend. These trips have been really fun for me.

When regionals rolled around I had a definitive goal to run right near my personal best and make nationals. Our Regional championship was going really well for our team. Two of my teammates had already qualified in the 1500 and 10,000 by the time I raced.

I put myself in the race early. I remember doing my best to stay strong, poised, and confident to stay in position to qualify. My coach and I set up a race plan to stay just outside of qualifying position (the top 5 qualify automatically) and race my way in to qualifying position toward the end of the race. I remember affirming my position and trying to settle in to the pace. When two miles of the three-mile race rolled around, I was laboring, but everything was still in control. I was certain I could run harder. With three laps to go, the pace picked up, and I went with it. There was a break in the field, and I surged to separate myself with the top 5 athletes. I thought to myself "this is the move, this is how you are going to make it." Unfortunately, the move I made really hurt, and three laps remained in the race. I ran two more laps teetering on the edge, still hitting the paces I needed to run to qualify, but with one lap left after running eleven 400 meters between 74 and 76, I ran a 90 second last 400m, with my legs aching, wondering if I would be able to finish the race at all.

This brought back some memories and inner demons. I thought of collapsing my senior year and not qualifying to Nike Nationals. I thought about collapsing again at the NCAA cross country championships that past fall. I didn't want to collapse again. After the race, my trainer picked helped me into the tent. The first thing I said to him, outwardly frustrated, was "Why does this keep happening to me?"

I have played this race in my head over and over again. Maybe I shouldn't have surged here or maybe I should have put less pressure on myself before. My coach and I explored all of the avenues to try to assure that this type of fading didn't happen again. We saw our team doctor. We considered glycogen depletion. We checked for muscle damage. My legs really hurt after the race, but I was emotionally hurt too.

I didn't reach the goal that I had thought about for a long time.

My family watched me hash through my disappointment for weeks. My friends, my family, my coach and my training staff were reliably supportive through my disappointment. I took some time off, and returned home for the summer to begin my summer build up for cross country.

When I started back to tempo runs weeks later, they were slower than I wanted them to be, and my disappointment continued further. I remember doing one tempo, finishing four miles of a tempo that could have been five miles long, and seeing another split that was not as fast as I hoped for. I stopped and got in the car after finishing the fourth mile. It only took a while before I asked my dad to let me back out of the car. I ran the last mile of the temp run without my watch, and worried about my effort rather than the pace. It took me about a month to fully work through my own emotional turmoil.

Why was I entitled to think I should be the one to make the national championships? Why couldn't I be proud that I had put my very best effort out on the day, even if it hadn't ended just how I wanted? As a Christian, I came to realize how much I was trying to control my own path. I had prayed for weeks, asking God to help me make nationals. I know it sounds foolish to ask the prime mover of the universe to grant my wishes just because it was my goal, just because I wanted to, but I did.

This experience really gave me perspective. How many times had Coach Amy told me "control the controllable." Since high school, my dad had encouraged me never to set my goals based off of other people. He told me you can't control other people, you can't control your place in a race, you can only control yourself. I had controlled what I could. I had done my very best, and it was okay for me to be disappointed for maybe a day, but not for weeks. It took me way too long to accept that performance, and to realize that as a Christian I needed to trust in God's timing. Overall, it showed me a lack of trust in God in my life. I was putting too much trust in myself, and yes this helped me to be more regimented and it made me driven, but it did no favors to my character. I allowed an experience that should have been fun and rewarding regardless of the outcome become a source of emotional pain.

I tell you this because I have learned that there is a much better way to deal with disappointments, and for me it has started with my perspective before I even step out on the track. Now, I work to deal with disappointment by trusting in God and his timing, realizing I'm not in control, and taking perspective.We will all fail at times and we will all succeed, and it's how we handle these moments that can affect the trajectory and the quality of our lives.

If your purpose doesn't lie in your performance, if your dreams are more than outcomes on paper, you can carry out your purpose, whether you reach your goals or not, whether you reach the outcome or not, you can still succeed.

I've found that this is a much better way to deal with disappointment than thinking about what went wrong or hashing over and over what I will do better next time.

As a junior this past year, in cross I stayed the course, focusing on what I could control, and achieved my season-end goal of being a cross country All-American by finishing 15^th in the national championship race. This indoor season I had a disc- bulge injury early on and did not carry out the build-up to indoor track I hoped for, but with a 15:50 5k at the Boston University season opened, I qualified for the national championships. I was shocked, and honestly kind of scared to try to go to the edge at altitude in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It was even more shocking when the NCAA's was cancelled. This really just affirmed that I don't control as much as I'd like to believe. I never imagined that I would make it to nationals after an interruption in training and less than ideal build-up, and I also never imagined that they would cancel an NCAA meet. Because of all this, I am a track and field All- American, and I didn't even race!

When the national championships were cancelled our coaches set up for us to hike to the top of a mountain where we had a nice dinner and made the best of our experience as we waited for our flight back to Ames.

Sometimes our dreams don't come true, but this doesn't change who we are, what we are trying to do, and the purpose we have in our lives. Going forward, I expect disappointment, but I hope that my experiences have equipped me better to keep perspective and deal with it.