Kassidy Johnson is a 2017 graduate of Maize South, a 5X KSHSAA state champion and a Big 12 Champion...Oh, she also has an eating disorder, and this is her story... Kassidy has been kind enough to share this with us at Kansas Milesplit so that her story can be heard by others who think they are alone in this battle. "Its time to change her story", and that is what she is doing.
Hi, I'm Kassidy Johnson, I just shared 'my story' & it is definitely the most personal, vulnerable thing I will probably ever share online I feel called to share this in hopes that it will shed light on an important but taboo topic and hopefully help some people who may be struggling themselves. To the 99% of people in my life who will find out about this for the first time from the blog post (sorry about that, it's easier this way)
& as always, my DMs are open for support (also - there isn't a look. i was struggling just as much here when i looked healthier as times when i didn't)
This is my story. & where my passion comes from
I grew up playing sports and loving food
I loved competing and being active and I ate literally anything and everything
somewhere along the way, being an athlete became my entire identity
this was especially true when it came to running track since I had some decent success in the sport
early on which helped solidify this idea in my mind
at the end of my sophomore basketball season, however, I ended up getting injured
this meant that I was unable to run for the first half of the track season that year & upon return
for the end of the season, I lost to competition that I had never lost to before
not only did I lose races ... I lost my identity
I was in a really vulnerable place and my whole life felt out of control
I came to believe that if I wanted to get back to where I was before I was sidelined, I needed to
lose weight
it started out with okay intentions of eating more nutrient-dense foods & through research, I even
developed a real passion for health and wellness
this did however very quickly spiral into fear
fear of calories
fear of food
fear of gaining weight
fear of losing control
fear of not doing enough
fear of being slow
fear of being unworthy
fear of living
fear.
but I thought that in order to be good, this is just what I had to do - a sacrifice I had to make
I was in denial that anything was wrong
so I kept to myself
I then got to college and not too long after, I got a stress fracture
my hormones were out of whack and my bone density was decreasing
even then, I convinced myself that it had nothing to do with the fact that I was heavily restricting
my intake
I think deep down I knew it wasn't okay because I did everything in my power to hide it from
everyone around me since 1. I carried a lot of shame & 2. I couldn't fathom the thought of
negatively influencing others and them feeling the same pain as me
nonetheless, I recovered from the bone injury, came back to running and had a good track
season the following year
at this point, it had been 4.5 years
4.5 years of mental torture
4.5 years of thinking about food every second of every day
4.5 years of destroying myself from the inside out
I was finally starting to realize just how miserable I was
I was surviving, sure, but I definitely wasn't living
but it was just what I had to do, right?
I thought that restricting my intake would allow my life to flourish but then my entire life became
restriction
I then got 2 more stress fractures and I finally had to ask myself,
"am I really doing the 'right thing' if it keeps me from even being able to run?"
not only was I jeopardizing my running career, but my mental and physical health were declining
so I finally accepted help
and it has been really really hard to overcome the thoughts that I have drilled into my brain over
the last 5.5 years
overall, it is NOT about vanity
it is NOT about track & field
it IS about mental health
eating disorders and disordered eating are however common in the running world
this doesn't mean they're normal though
but the only way to change the culture is to change yourself
so that is what I am doing
& yes, this is my story, but it's time to rewrite it
I am not yet recovered and I still struggle a lot but my life is already so much better
& with that, I want to use my passion for sports and nutrition along with my experience with an
eating disorder to help others reach their goals in a healthy manner and to truly live their best
lives
if you resonate with any of this, know that you are not alone and feel free to reach out for
support - my Instagram DMs @kassidyjeane are always open
ultimately though, please seek professional help. you are worth more.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder and are in need of support, please call theNational Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237. For a 24-hour crisis line, text "NEDA" to 741741.